Sitting this one out

The bitchy rich girl (Notre Dame) who contracted herpes when she slept around with losers (failed coaches in Bob Davies, Tyrone Willingham, Charlie Weis) and was then publicly abused (on NBC) by those of a lower caste (losses to Navy, Air Force, Syracuse).  She has the chutzpah to state that she’d turn down any dance invites (Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl) in order to get a head start on treating her STDs (finding a new coach).

The star tennis player (University of Michigan) who never had trouble finding a date for the dance (33 year bowl participation streak until 2007), except that he’s been plagued with acne so severe the past few years (back-to-back losing seasons) that he’s barricaded himself inside his Big House.  The acne will subside with time, but the acne scars are permanent (HUMILIATING loss to FCS opponent Appalachian State).

December 19th

New Mexico Bowl – Albuquerque, New Mexico (New Mexico Bowl Tickets)

Wyoming University vs. Fresno State

The pale shut-in girl (Wyoming), who’s quiet existence seems disposable to the entire class (all of college football).  She’s paired with the shadowy, pony-tailed trench coat guy (Fresno State).  Everything about this couple screams AWKWARD!  Both parties may get cold feet and stay home (Laramie, WY & Fresno, CA), because it’s a more comfortable setting than their date (Albuquerque, NM).  No one would notice their absence anyway.

St. Petersburg Bowl – St. Petersburg, Florida (St. Petersburg Bowl Ticktes)

Rutgers vs. University of Central Florida

Once a perpetual loser (Rutgers), this guy’s new found swagger is derived from his recent post-pubescent swan-like transformation (three consecutive winning seasons/bowl victories).  His date’s parts–long blonde hair (University of), tanned skin (Central), and thin frame (Florida)–are greater than the sum (University of Central Florida).  He hopes that a strong pre-game booze will blur her butterface.

December 20th

R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (New Orleans Bowl Tickets)

Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee

Everyone has seen these two (Southern Miss & Middle Tennessee) loitering in the school parking lot, but no one is sure if they’re even students?  People will watch, but only to make sure they’re not breaking into cars.

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl (Las Vegas Bowl Tickets)

BYU vs. Oregon St.

The Mormon kid (BYU) swings a date with an underrated pretty girl (Oregon St.), but only because he’s not a sexual threat.  She can always ditch him and leave with anyone else in a swingin’ singles market (Las Vegas).

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – San Diego, CA (Poinsettia Bowl Tickets)

University of California vs. Utah

The duke of snobs (Cal) matches up with the cute girl (Utah) from the misfit lunch table (Mountain West Conference).  She’s been known to stand up to the pretty girls table (SEC), most famously when she bitch-slapped (2008 31-17 Sugar Bowl stomp) the cheerleading coach’s daughter (Alabama).  But even that didn’t change faculty (media) opinion (finished #5 with 13-0 record).  Don’t expect her to put up with any crap from this jerk either.

Christmas Eve

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Sheraton Hawaii Bowl Tickets)

Southern Methodist vs. Nevada

He’s that one guy (Southern Methodist) that looks a lot like that other guy whose name you can’t remember (Southern Miss).  She’s that one girl (Nevada) who you always get confused with that other girl (UNLV).  Next!

December 26th

Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl – Detroit, Michigan (Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl Tickets)

Marshall vs. Ohio University

The pudgy hippie girl (Ohio U) who adorns her body with hemp accoutrements.  The vocational student (Marshall) who reeks of PBR, wears clothes stained with motor oil, and eats lunch in his car.  Lots of bad smells emanating from this couple, as they each bring their own brand of filth to the dance.

Meineke Car Care Bowl – Charlotte, North Carolina (2009 Meineke Bowl Tickets)

University of Pittsburgh vs. University of North Carolina

The closeted guy (Pittsburgh) who keeps everyone guessing.  The cute girl (UNC) that no one knows is bi-sexual (UNC).  This could be fun, or it could be unwatchable.

Emerald Bowl – San Francisco, CA (2009 Emerald Bowl Tickets)

Boston College vs. University of Southern California

The rich prick (USC) who seemingly had it all–money, girls, good looks–but fell from grace when the wheel of fortune spun downward (four conference losses and a fifth place Pac 10 finish in 2009).  His face was mauled in a dog attack (loss to the Washington Huskies), had both legs broken in a boating accident when attacked by a flock of ducks (Oregon), had his house robbed (55-21 loss at the Coliseum to Stanford), and his car driven off a cliff (by Arizona).  His date, the frigid catholic girl (B.C.), will keep her distance from this karma lightning rod.

December 27th

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl – Nashville, TN (2009 Music City Bowl Tickets)

Clemson vs. University of Kentucky

The girl who’s been forgotten (Kentucky) because of her overachieving older sister (UK men’s basketball team).  The guy everybody thinks was in that one class with them (Clemson).  A good match for each other because expectations on both sides are tempered, but if sparks fly it’d be a pleasant surprise.

December 28th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl – Shreveport, Louisiana (2009 Independence Bowl Tickets)

Texas A&M vs. University of Georgia

She’s the pretty girl (Georgia) so OBSESSED with her (bull)dog that she brings it along.  He’s the hillbilly farmhand (A&M) who moves the hay from his pick-up truck bed to the passenger seat, so she and her pup can ride in the back and arrive in style.

December 29th

EagleBank Bowl – Washington D.C. (2009 EagleBank Bowl Tickets)

Temple vs. Army or UCLA

The most uncoordinated guy in school (Temple), he just signed up for dance lessons (ended a thirty year bowl drought).  He has two dates lined up (Army & UCLA) in case one cancels.  It’s been a while since he’s danced, so he can’t blow this one.

Champs Sports Bowl – Orlando, Florida (2009 Champs Sports Bowl Tickets)

University of Miami vs. University of Wisconsin

He’s the fat, avuncular guy (Wisconsin) who dropped thirty pounds to fit into his tuxedo (9-3 record), but guess what?  He still looks fat (fourth place in the Big Ten)!  She’s the pretty girl (Miami), who everyone knows was molested by her family.  She gets drunk at the dance and has him role-play, just to make him feel like he has a chance.

December 30th

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl – Boise, Idaho (2009 Humanitarian Bowl Tickets)

Bowling Green State University vs. University of Idaho

The burnout guy (Bowling Green) and the bore of a girl (Idaho).  They’ll stand in the corner as he espouses his stoner theories because he thinks she’s interested, but really, she just has nothing to say.

Texas Bowl – Houston, Texas (2009 Texas Bowl Tickets)

Navy vs. Missouri

The straight edge guy (Navy) who’s corrupted by his lush of a date (Missouri).  He pukes in the car on the ride to the dance, in the bathroom at the dance, and on her lap during the ride home.

December 31st

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl – San Diego, California (2009 Pacific Life Holiday Bowl Tickets)

University of Arizona vs. Nebraska

The girl who’s only work in life is to party (Arizona) meets the guy whose only party in life is to work (Nebraska).  This one could go either way.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl – Fort Worth, Texas (Armed Forces Bowl Tickets)

Air Force vs. Houston

The aggressive, no-standards guy (Air Force) who hooks up all the time (fourth in the NCAA team rushing), paired with the sloppy girl (Houston) who’s always drunk AND high (leads the nation in total offense).  There should be a lot of scoring, and not a lot of resistance.

Brut Sun Bowl – El Paso, TX (2009 Sun Bowl Tickets)

University of Oklahoma vs. Stanford

The JV cheerleading captain (Oklahoma) who broke her nose (losing QB Sam Bradford) in a nasty fall and is still recovering from the nose job.  It’s the honor student’s (Stanford) rare chance to hookup with a cheerleader, maimed or otherwise.  And it still trumps his regular cast of nerd groupies.  He wants someone with name recognition, someone he can brag about to his friends and casually name drop to impress others–even though his date sports a nose bandage in the formal pictures.

Insight Bowl – Tempe, AZ (2009 Insight Bowl Tickets)

Minnesota vs. Iowa State

The girl (Minnesota) whose weight fluctuates year-to-year and the completely unremarkable (6-6 record) guy (Iowa State) delighted to have found someone he thinks will put out for him.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl – Atlanta, Georgia (ChickFilA Bowl Tickets)

Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee

The juvenile delinquent (Tennessee) who’s always up to no good (players arrested for robbery at gunpoint) paired with the girl who’s sexy and intelligent (Virginia Tech), but can never seem to grab the top rung of the social ladder (finished with a top 10 ranking six times, but no national championship).  Both know they can do better, but that won’t stop them from having a lot of fun–legally and otherwise–before the night ends.

January 1st – 2010

Outback Bowl – Tampa, Florida (2010 Outback Bowl Tickets)

Auburn vs. Northwestern

The scholar (Northwestern) is able to date-up with a pretty girl (Auburn) because he’s the only one willing to listen to her constant whine about being underappreciated (13-0 2004 season, but no national championship) by the faculty (media).  She likes the idea of arriving with a smart guy on a leash, even though her better looking friends (Alabama, Florida, LSU) watch and giggle at her posturing.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl – Jacksonville, Florida (2010 Gator Bowl Tickets)

West Virginia vs. Florida State

This guy (West Virginia), always on the homecoming court fringe, but can never break on through to the other side (0 national championships).  His date (Florida State) was a natural beauty, but too many bleach jobs (arrests) and hours in the tanning bed (years spent with Bobby Bowden) have killed any value she once held.  She doesn’t have the clout to say no to anyone at this point.

Capital One Bowl – Orlando, Florida (2010 Capital One Bowl Tickets)

Penn St vs. LSU

Regular members of the homecoming court (BCS), these two pillars (Penn State, LSU) of their social groups (Big Ten, SEC) will sulk outside in the hall thinking about what could have been if they’d put more time into their plans.

Citi Rose Bowl – Pasadena, CA (RoseBowl Tickets)

THE Ohio State University vs. University of Oregon

The deceptively pretty girl (OSU) who pays for an expensive dress, cakes on her makeup, and hangs out with fat girls (the Big Ten) to pad her self-esteem, only to be outshined by the true beauties (three straight BCS bowl losses).  The cute guy (Oregon) who’s potential is always undercut by his closet (of hideous Nike uniforms).

AllState Sugar Bowl – New Orleans, Louisiana (Allstate Sugar Bowl Tickets)

Florida vs. Cincinnati

The student body president (Florida) who’s showered with constant faculty (media) adoration.  The depressed girl (Cincinnati) who found a therapist (Coach Brian Kelly), and traded the Cure shirts and dark makeup for halter tops (touchdowns) and MAC cosmetics (extra points).  He’s thrilled by the opportunity to ravage someone who’d only previously been touched by Morrissey.

January 2nd

International Bowl – Toronto, Canada (2010 International Bowl Tickets)

South Florida vs. Northern Illinois

The AV kids (South Florida & Northern Illinois) are still around, but only because someone has to take down the lights and put away the equipment when the dance ends.

PapaJohns.com Bowl – Birmingham, Alabama (2010 PapaJohn’s Bowl Tickets)

South Carolina vs. University of Connecticut

The ugly girl (South Carolina), who thinks that her pretty friends (SEC) make her more attractive by association.  The emo guy (UConn) who hopes he can use this date as a stepping stone to her hot friends.

AT&T Cotton Bowl – Arlington, Texas (Cotton Bowl Game Tickets)

Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss

The chaperones (Oklahoma State, Mississippi).  They’re two single parents looking to recapture the magic of their high school days.  Their close dancing makes everyone a little uncomfortable, but people can’t resist watching.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl – Memphis, Tennessee (AutoZone Liberty Bowl Tickets)

Arkansas vs. East Carolina

The kids who graduated last year (Arkansas, East Carolina).  Their lives are bottomless voids of nothingness.  When they try to crash the dance, they’ll be escorted out by the auxiliary police at the door.

Valero Alamo Bowl – San Antonio, Texas (2010 Alamo Bowl Tickets)

Michigan State vs. Texas Tech

The guy who looks old enough to buy beer (Michigan State) and the girl with a fake ID (Texas Tech).  They’re used by their “friends” (Big Ten, Big 12 elite) to secure (BCS) party invites.  Since they both already have a means to obtain alcohol, they’re not particularly impressed by each other.

January 4th

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Glendale, Arizona (2010 Fiesta Bowl Tickets)

Boise State vs. TCU

The school’s 103 pound state wrestling champion (Boise State).  No one takes this diminutive–but tough–kid seriously, even though he’s beaten up guys three times his size (Oregon) and pimp-slapped the JV cheerleading captain (Oklahoma).  The drama queen (TCU), who’ll demand a (BCS) vote recount after the dance if her hair and makeup hold up (13-0 finish).

January 5th

FedEx Orange Bowl – Miami, Florida (2010 Orange Bowl Tickets)

Georgia Tech vs. Iowa

The daughter of the cheerleading coach (Georgia Tech) and the son of the football coach (Iowa).  Probably wouldn’t have made the homecoming court (BCS) if they didn’t have the name recognition (BCS contract w/Big Ten & ACC).

January 6th

GMAC Bowl – Mobile, Alabama (2010 GMAC Bowl Tickets)

Central Michigan vs. Troy

The dropouts (Central Michigan & Troy) who get to stay out after curfew (past December 31) and get drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 because no one cares enough to supervise them.

January 7th

Citi BCS Championship Game – Pasadena, CA (BCS National Championship Game Tickets)

Texas vs. Alabama

Last dance.  The head cheerleader (Alabama) and the football (lone) star (Texas).  It’s a sexy pair that everyone will want to watch.  The star will try to play with her pom-poms, but she’ll hit him over the head with her megaphone, sending him to the gymnasium floor.  As the final note of the final song rings out, she’ll stand with one triumphant foot atop his chest, and scream to the world, “Who wants to f#ckin’ after party?!”

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The 34-game bowl schedule kicks off two Saturdays from now in Albuquerque, N.M.

Hello there, I’m The Master of the Obvious. My friends call me Art McGregor.

Folks have a better chance of spelling Albuquerque right on their first guess than naming the two teams playing in this college football season’s first bowl game.

I’ve watched bowl games for as long as I can recall. I remember having some friends over to watch Penn State beat Miami, Fla. 14-10 in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl on a Friday night after the First of January (!!). We then played 10-yard Fight where the scores always were higher than 14-10 until 2 a.m.

A year or two later, my dad gave me a ditto with all the bowl games listed on it in faded ink with these interesting little letters and numbers next to them in 10-point font. Some said -5, others rolled E and some claimed -12.5. He told me what these meant and having been familiar with Jimmy “The Greek” and The NFL Today, I quickly picked all 15 or 20 bowl games. I was hooked.

I play two or three “college bowl polls” each year with varying degrees of success. I’ve won a few and even financed a trip for two to Las Vegas for the Super Bowl in 2005.

The first game of the bowl season usually sets the tone for the rest of the games. At least for me. 

I watched the final minute of this past year’s EagleBank Bowl in absolute horror. Without any timeouts remaining, Navy found itself trailing Wake Forest 20-17 with less than a minute to go. Wake Forest had the ball and only needed to kneel down to take the win. I had Navy +6.5 so I was golden just like the helmets on each team. For whatever reason, Wake Forest’s Riley Skinner handed off to Rich Belton. Belton had run the ball four times for 11 yards in the game’s first 59 minutes. Just to spite me, Belton broke a 35-yard meaningless touchdown with 54 seconds left. The run set the tone for an underwhelming bowl season where I finished under .500. “Bad beats” are know known as “Beltons” to me. I also use the word as a verb.

For example: “Cincinnati really beltoned me this weekend. I had them minus-2 and they won 45-44.”

The next sentence after the use of a “Belton” or “beltoned” in a paragraph always is “Son of a bitch.”

While I don’t like the bowl system, I love the bowl season. “Bowl Season” doesn’t beat “Baseball Season” in my weekly rankings but far outdistances “Easter Season” every time. “Easter Season”: Where all the light at the end of the tunnel shows you is an early wake-up call, church, a trip to grandma’s house and six buttermilk biscuits with burnt black bottoms because no one knows how long to keep those things in the oven.

I’m not sure where I’ll go yet with Fresno State (8-4) minus-10.5 over Wyoming (6-6) in the New Mexico Bowl (New Mexico Bowl Tickets). I have until 4:30 p.m. eastern time on Saturday, Dec. 19 to make my decision.

The other 33 games are going to depend on it.

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