2009 Bowl Games

College football’s bowl season is a series of games that I like to call the NCAA’s other “Big Dance”.  But at this dance you’re stuck with your partner all night.  Allow me to liken each college program to someone you remember from high school, and then analyze the pairings for the annual winter formal:

Sitting this one out

The bitchy rich girl (Notre Dame) who contracted herpes when she slept around with losers (failed coaches in Bob Davies, Tyrone Willingham, Charlie Weis) and was then publicly abused (on NBC) by those of a lower caste (losses to Navy, Air Force, Syracuse).  She has the chutzpah to state that she’d turn down any dance invites (Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl) in order to get a head start on treating her STDs (finding a new coach).

The star tennis player (University of Michigan) who never had trouble finding a date for the dance (33 year bowl participation streak until 2007), except that he’s been plagued with acne so severe the past few years (back-to-back losing seasons) that he’s barricaded himself inside his Big House.  The acne will subside with time, but the acne scars are permanent (HUMILIATING loss to FCS opponent Appalachian State).

December 19th

New Mexico Bowl – Albuquerque, New Mexico (New Mexico Bowl Tickets)

Wyoming University vs. Fresno State

The pale shut-in girl (Wyoming), who’s quiet existence seems disposable to the entire class (all of college football).  She’s paired with the shadowy, pony-tailed trench coat guy (Fresno State).  Everything about this couple screams AWKWARD!  Both parties may get cold feet and stay home (Laramie, WY & Fresno, CA), because it’s a more comfortable setting than their date (Albuquerque, NM).  No one would notice their absence anyway.

St. Petersburg Bowl – St. Petersburg, Florida (St. Petersburg Bowl Ticktes)

Rutgers vs. University of Central Florida

Once a perpetual loser (Rutgers), this guy’s new found swagger is derived from his recent post-pubescent swan-like transformation (three consecutive winning seasons/bowl victories).  His date’s parts–long blonde hair (University of), tanned skin (Central), and thin frame (Florida)–are greater than the sum (University of Central Florida).  He hopes that a strong pre-game booze will blur her butterface.

December 20th

R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (New Orleans Bowl Tickets)

Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee

Everyone has seen these two (Southern Miss & Middle Tennessee) loitering in the school parking lot, but no one is sure if they’re even students?  People will watch, but only to make sure they’re not breaking into cars.

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl (Las Vegas Bowl Tickets)

BYU vs. Oregon St.

The Mormon kid (BYU) swings a date with an underrated pretty girl (Oregon St.), but only because he’s not a sexual threat.  She can always ditch him and leave with anyone else in a swingin’ singles market (Las Vegas).

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – San Diego, CA (Poinsettia Bowl Tickets)

University of California vs. Utah

The duke of snobs (Cal) matches up with the cute girl (Utah) from the misfit lunch table (Mountain West Conference).  She’s been known to stand up to the pretty girls table (SEC), most famously when she bitch-slapped (2008 31-17 Sugar Bowl stomp) the cheerleading coach’s daughter (Alabama).  But even that didn’t change faculty (media) opinion (finished #5 with 13-0 record).  Don’t expect her to put up with any crap from this jerk either.

Christmas Eve

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Sheraton Hawaii Bowl Tickets)

Southern Methodist vs. Nevada

He’s that one guy (Southern Methodist) that looks a lot like that other guy whose name you can’t remember (Southern Miss).  She’s that one girl (Nevada) who you always get confused with that other girl (UNLV).  Next!

December 26th

Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl – Detroit, Michigan (Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl Tickets)

Marshall vs. Ohio University

The pudgy hippie girl (Ohio U) who adorns her body with hemp accoutrements.  The vocational student (Marshall) who reeks of PBR, wears clothes stained with motor oil, and eats lunch in his car.  Lots of bad smells emanating from this couple, as they each bring their own brand of filth to the dance.

Meineke Car Care Bowl – Charlotte, North Carolina (2009 Meineke Bowl Tickets)

University of Pittsburgh vs. University of North Carolina

The closeted guy (Pittsburgh) who keeps everyone guessing.  The cute girl (UNC) that no one knows is bi-sexual (UNC).  This could be fun, or it could be unwatchable.

Emerald Bowl – San Francisco, CA (2009 Emerald Bowl Tickets)

Boston College vs. University of Southern California

The rich prick (USC) who seemingly had it all–money, girls, good looks–but fell from grace when the wheel of fortune spun downward (four conference losses and a fifth place Pac 10 finish in 2009).  His face was mauled in a dog attack (loss to the Washington Huskies), had both legs broken in a boating accident when attacked by a flock of ducks (Oregon), had his house robbed (55-21 loss at the Coliseum to Stanford), and his car driven off a cliff (by Arizona).  His date, the frigid catholic girl (B.C.), will keep her distance from this karma lightning rod.

December 27th

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl – Nashville, TN (2009 Music City Bowl Tickets)

Clemson vs. University of Kentucky

The girl who’s been forgotten (Kentucky) because of her overachieving older sister (UK men’s basketball team).  The guy everybody thinks was in that one class with them (Clemson).  A good match for each other because expectations on both sides are tempered, but if sparks fly it’d be a pleasant surprise.

December 28th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl – Shreveport, Louisiana (2009 Independence Bowl Tickets)

Texas A&M vs. University of Georgia

She’s the pretty girl (Georgia) so OBSESSED with her (bull)dog that she brings it along.  He’s the hillbilly farmhand (A&M) who moves the hay from his pick-up truck bed to the passenger seat, so she and her pup can ride in the back and arrive in style.

December 29th

EagleBank Bowl – Washington D.C. (2009 EagleBank Bowl Tickets)

Temple vs. Army or UCLA

The most uncoordinated guy in school (Temple), he just signed up for dance lessons (ended a thirty year bowl drought).  He has two dates lined up (Army & UCLA) in case one cancels.  It’s been a while since he’s danced, so he can’t blow this one.

Champs Sports Bowl – Orlando, Florida (2009 Champs Sports Bowl Tickets)

University of Miami vs. University of Wisconsin

He’s the fat, avuncular guy (Wisconsin) who dropped thirty pounds to fit into his tuxedo (9-3 record), but guess what?  He still looks fat (fourth place in the Big Ten)!  She’s the pretty girl (Miami), who everyone knows was molested by her family.  She gets drunk at the dance and has him role-play, just to make him feel like he has a chance.

December 30th

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl – Boise, Idaho (2009 Humanitarian Bowl Tickets)

Bowling Green State University vs. University of Idaho

The burnout guy (Bowling Green) and the bore of a girl (Idaho).  They’ll stand in the corner as he espouses his stoner theories because he thinks she’s interested, but really, she just has nothing to say.

Texas Bowl – Houston, Texas (2009 Texas Bowl Tickets)

Navy vs. Missouri

The straight edge guy (Navy) who’s corrupted by his lush of a date (Missouri).  He pukes in the car on the ride to the dance, in the bathroom at the dance, and on her lap during the ride home.

December 31st

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl – San Diego, California (2009 Pacific Life Holiday Bowl Tickets)

University of Arizona vs. Nebraska

The girl who’s only work in life is to party (Arizona) meets the guy whose only party in life is to work (Nebraska).  This one could go either way.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl – Fort Worth, Texas (Armed Forces Bowl Tickets)

Air Force vs. Houston

The aggressive, no-standards guy (Air Force) who hooks up all the time (fourth in the NCAA team rushing), paired with the sloppy girl (Houston) who’s always drunk AND high (leads the nation in total offense).  There should be a lot of scoring, and not a lot of resistance.

Brut Sun Bowl – El Paso, TX (2009 Sun Bowl Tickets)

University of Oklahoma vs. Stanford

The JV cheerleading captain (Oklahoma) who broke her nose (losing QB Sam Bradford) in a nasty fall and is still recovering from the nose job.  It’s the honor student’s (Stanford) rare chance to hookup with a cheerleader, maimed or otherwise.  And it still trumps his regular cast of nerd groupies.  He wants someone with name recognition, someone he can brag about to his friends and casually name drop to impress others–even though his date sports a nose bandage in the formal pictures.

Insight Bowl – Tempe, AZ (2009 Insight Bowl Tickets)

Minnesota vs. Iowa State

The girl (Minnesota) whose weight fluctuates year-to-year and the completely unremarkable (6-6 record) guy (Iowa State) delighted to have found someone he thinks will put out for him.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl – Atlanta, Georgia (ChickFilA Bowl Tickets)

Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee

The juvenile delinquent (Tennessee) who’s always up to no good (players arrested for robbery at gunpoint) paired with the girl who’s sexy and intelligent (Virginia Tech), but can never seem to grab the top rung of the social ladder (finished with a top 10 ranking six times, but no national championship).  Both know they can do better, but that won’t stop them from having a lot of fun–legally and otherwise–before the night ends.

January 1st – 2010

Outback Bowl – Tampa, Florida (2010 Outback Bowl Tickets)

Auburn vs. Northwestern

The scholar (Northwestern) is able to date-up with a pretty girl (Auburn) because he’s the only one willing to listen to her constant whine about being underappreciated (13-0 2004 season, but no national championship) by the faculty (media).  She likes the idea of arriving with a smart guy on a leash, even though her better looking friends (Alabama, Florida, LSU) watch and giggle at her posturing.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl – Jacksonville, Florida (2010 Gator Bowl Tickets)

West Virginia vs. Florida State

This guy (West Virginia), always on the homecoming court fringe, but can never break on through to the other side (0 national championships).  His date (Florida State) was a natural beauty, but too many bleach jobs (arrests) and hours in the tanning bed (years spent with Bobby Bowden) have killed any value she once held.  She doesn’t have the clout to say no to anyone at this point.

Capital One Bowl – Orlando, Florida (2010 Capital One Bowl Tickets)

Penn St vs. LSU

Regular members of the homecoming court (BCS), these two pillars (Penn State, LSU) of their social groups (Big Ten, SEC) will sulk outside in the hall thinking about what could have been if they’d put more time into their plans.

Citi Rose Bowl – Pasadena, CA (RoseBowl Tickets)

THE Ohio State University vs. University of Oregon

The deceptively pretty girl (OSU) who pays for an expensive dress, cakes on her makeup, and hangs out with fat girls (the Big Ten) to pad her self-esteem, only to be outshined by the true beauties (three straight BCS bowl losses).  The cute guy (Oregon) who’s potential is always undercut by his closet (of hideous Nike uniforms).

AllState Sugar Bowl – New Orleans, Louisiana (Allstate Sugar Bowl Tickets)

Florida vs. Cincinnati

The student body president (Florida) who’s showered with constant faculty (media) adoration.  The depressed girl (Cincinnati) who found a therapist (Coach Brian Kelly), and traded the Cure shirts and dark makeup for halter tops (touchdowns) and MAC cosmetics (extra points).  He’s thrilled by the opportunity to ravage someone who’d only previously been touched by Morrissey.

January 2nd

International Bowl – Toronto, Canada (2010 International Bowl Tickets)

South Florida vs. Northern Illinois

The AV kids (South Florida & Northern Illinois) are still around, but only because someone has to take down the lights and put away the equipment when the dance ends.

PapaJohns.com Bowl – Birmingham, Alabama (2010 PapaJohn’s Bowl Tickets)

South Carolina vs. University of Connecticut

The ugly girl (South Carolina), who thinks that her pretty friends (SEC) make her more attractive by association.  The emo guy (UConn) who hopes he can use this date as a stepping stone to her hot friends.

AT&T Cotton Bowl – Arlington, Texas (Cotton Bowl Game Tickets)

Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss

The chaperones (Oklahoma State, Mississippi).  They’re two single parents looking to recapture the magic of their high school days.  Their close dancing makes everyone a little uncomfortable, but people can’t resist watching.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl – Memphis, Tennessee (AutoZone Liberty Bowl Tickets)

Arkansas vs. East Carolina

The kids who graduated last year (Arkansas, East Carolina).  Their lives are bottomless voids of nothingness.  When they try to crash the dance, they’ll be escorted out by the auxiliary police at the door.

Valero Alamo Bowl – San Antonio, Texas (2010 Alamo Bowl Tickets)

Michigan State vs. Texas Tech

The guy who looks old enough to buy beer (Michigan State) and the girl with a fake ID (Texas Tech).  They’re used by their “friends” (Big Ten, Big 12 elite) to secure (BCS) party invites.  Since they both already have a means to obtain alcohol, they’re not particularly impressed by each other.

January 4th

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Glendale, Arizona (2010 Fiesta Bowl Tickets)

Boise State vs. TCU

The school’s 103 pound state wrestling champion (Boise State).  No one takes this diminutive–but tough–kid seriously, even though he’s beaten up guys three times his size (Oregon) and pimp-slapped the JV cheerleading captain (Oklahoma).  The drama queen (TCU), who’ll demand a (BCS) vote recount after the dance if her hair and makeup hold up (13-0 finish).

January 5th

FedEx Orange Bowl – Miami, Florida (2010 Orange Bowl Tickets)

Georgia Tech vs. Iowa

The daughter of the cheerleading coach (Georgia Tech) and the son of the football coach (Iowa).  Probably wouldn’t have made the homecoming court (BCS) if they didn’t have the name recognition (BCS contract w/Big Ten & ACC).

January 6th

GMAC Bowl – Mobile, Alabama (2010 GMAC Bowl Tickets)

Central Michigan vs. Troy

The dropouts (Central Michigan & Troy) who get to stay out after curfew (past December 31) and get drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 because no one cares enough to supervise them.

January 7th

Citi BCS Championship Game – Pasadena, CA (BCS National Championship Game Tickets)

Texas vs. Alabama

Last dance.  The head cheerleader (Alabama) and the football (lone) star (Texas).  It’s a sexy pair that everyone will want to watch.  The star will try to play with her pom-poms, but she’ll hit him over the head with her megaphone, sending him to the gymnasium floor.  As the final note of the final song rings out, she’ll stand with one triumphant foot atop his chest, and scream to the world, “Who wants to f#ckin’ after party?!”

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This weekend will bring together Florida(1) and Alabama(2) in the SEC championship game.  As much as I despise the SEC, I actually respect them as a conference and believe them to be the strongest in college football this season.  Since they are arguably the two best teams in college football and I advocate a BCS playoff, I cannot complain that one of them will get knocked out without the opportunity to play for the national title.  This actually ends up being somewhat of a playoff.  My beef is who we will likely end up with as an opponent to one of these teams in the BCS National Championship Game. Barring an unlikely defeat by Nebraska, this will probably be Texas.

Unlike the SEC, I have little respect for the Big 12 as a conference.  In my opinion, they get far too much recognition for being a conference of big names, big names that have done too little for too long.  Last year, I thought that the Big 12 was the second strongest in college football until it dawned on me that it was all an illusion.  An illusion caused by supposedly high powered offenses when in all actuality it was the effect of extremely low powered defenses. The Big 12 has NO defense!

When I started to write this article, it was going to be based only on opinion, and fed completely by my hatred for the Big12.  But who the hell cares about MY opinion?  Therefore, I decided to do a little research to see if my reasoning was justified.  Here is what I found.

1.) The crappy thing about the college football rankings system is that it is very mush subjective.  It is mostly based on opinions and again, who the hell cares about opinions. Opinions cause lesser known programs like Boise State, TCU and Cincinnati to get overlooked and written off in favor of the bigger, sexier schools. Because of this, my first point looks at the computer rankings portion of the BCS rankings. The computers don’t have a bias and don’t care how sexy a school is. Here is how Texas stacks up in the computer rankings to the next closest teams in the BCS.

Texas: .890

TCU: .860

Cincinnati: .900

Point Cincinnati.

Source: ESPN.com

2.) Next, let’s look at the strength of schedule based on currently ranked opponents.

TX: Oklahoma State(20) and assuming Nebraska(22). Ranked opponent score = (20+22)/2 = 21

TCU: Utah(25) and BYU(14). Ranked opponent score (25+14)/2 = 19.5

Cincinnati: Oregon State(16), WVU(23), and assuming Pitt(15). Ranked opponent score = (16+23+15)/3 = 18

Point Cincinnati.

Source: ESPN.com

3.) Lastly, let’s explore my defense claim.  My claim is that the Big 12 severely lacks on defense.  If this is true, it should be reflected in the defensive quality of Texas’ opponents this year.  My method for computing this was to take the sum of defensive rankings by points allowed/game of all opponents divided by the number of games played.

Texas

Louisiana-Monroe	75
@ Wyoming	76
Texas Tech	38
UTEP	106
Colorado	90
vs. No. 20 Oklahoma	7
@ Missouri	57
at No. 14 Oklahoma State	37
UCF	27
@ Baylor	78
Kansas	88
@ Texas A&M	105
vs. No. 22 Nebraska	3
	787	AVG=60.54
Cincinnati
@ Rutgers	13
Southeast Missouri State	82*
at Oregon State	39
Fresno State	62
@ Miami (OH)	108
@ No. 21 South Florida	25
Louisville	68
@ Syracuse	82
Connecticut	59
No. 25 West Virginia	26
Illinois	84
@ No. 15 Pittsburgh	15
	663	AVG=55.25
@ Virginia	67
Texas State	95*
@ Clemson	21
Southern Methodist	93
@ Air Force	8
Colorado State	95
@ No. 16 Brigham Young	35
UNLV	103
@ San Diego State	97
No. 16 Utah	22
@ Wyoming	76
New Mexico	113
	825	AVG=68.75

Texas: 60.54

TCU: 68.75

Cincinnati: 55.25

Point Cincinnati.

Source:  foxsports.com

* Schools were not listed so an estimated ranking was used based on points allowed/game compared to this list.

Read it and weep Texas fans!  Even if you do win out and Cincinnati does the same, you do NOT deserve to play for the National Championship!  Unfortunately, the BCS series much like global warming theory is not based on logic and empirical data so you will still get your chance.  I have confidence though, that the football gods will win out and you will be exposed just as Ohio State and Oklahoma have been exposed by the SEC over the past three years.  My prediction. Florida 45, Texas 10.

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It’s crunch time folks! The conference championship games this weekend, especially Florida vs. Alabama, have never been bigger. So let’s take a look at how we think the At-Large Bids to the BCS Bowl Games will pan out:

1. Obviously the UF-Alabama loser goes.

Also, I think it’s obvious that Texas goes if they lose to Nebraska.

So after that, let’s look at some situations:

If Texas and Cincinnati win:
2. TCU
3. Iowa
4. Boise State

If Nebraska and Cincinnati win:
2. TCU
3. Texas
4. Iowa

If Nebraska and Pitt win:
2. TCU
3. Texas
4. PENN STATE

If Texas and Pitt win:
2. TCU
3. Iowa
4. PENN STATE

My thinking is this. Nobody cares about Cincinnati on any level (collegiate, professional, respect as a city, etc). If they lose to Pitt, they’re gone.

Now what’s up with this Penn State business? Well, if Pitt goes, then I think that any bowl game with the chance to match Pitt vs. Penn State should take it – this will be a great backyard showdown and I think a lot of people would travel hard and pay to see this.

Boise State, like a 1-loss Cincinnati, is on the outside looking in. Sorry, but you can’t deny the ability for Iowa and/or Penn State to bring the thunder in terms of travelers.

Wild Card – What if USC stumbles into the 14th ranking? Will a bowl take them (3 losses) over one of the smaller 1-loss schools? They shouldn’t… but money talks and USC has a little but of that stuff. Don’t be surprised if the magic finds a way to happen.

Another thing not covered is if Oregon State beats Oregon. If Oregon stays in the top 14, this is another way a BCS bowl will kill a smaller school off.

Man we need an 8-team playoff. Solves all of this garbage.

Is your team going? Find the best deals on BCS Game Tickets!